Interpersonal Conflicts Policy

Conflicts are normal in a healthy community. Common causes are different personality types, different styles of dealing with conflicts, and impressions left upon us by the way our family of origin dealt with conflict.

The following framework provides some guidance on how we deal with the inevitable conflicts.

Prevention

Be clear on what our community expectations are for good communication, and ensure there are regular opportunities to air grievances before they escalate.

• Candidate screening for good communication skills

• Induction of new members into our Culture of Engagement at community retreats

• Regular check-ins provide an opportunity to express difficulties

• Written agreements

  • No triangulation/gossip (don’t find a third party to enlist to “your side” of a conflict

  • Direct communication (talk directly to the person you are in conflict with, or use one of the other methods listed below

• Learn about each other’s personalities and their traits through personality type exercises like Myers-Briggs and Enneagram

• Sharing our family biographies, with the way we learned to deal with conflict

Preparation

Increase our skill at communication by learning and practicing good communication skills

• Non Violent Communications (NVC)

• Co-Counseling or Re-evaluation counseling

• Sharing spirituality

• Listening circle

Response

When interpersonal conflicts present themselves, we have a selection of tools for airing and resolving them. We have divided this into 3 stages, but the tools can be used in different stages.

Stage 1: Grass Fire

A hot conflict that arises quickly and is dealt with quickly, then is resolved.

• One-on-one (direct discussion beween the two people involved)

• Community discussion and agreement (bring the issue to a community meeting)

• Mediation (ask a third person to mediate direct discussion with the other person)

Stage 2: Smouldering

Low-intensity warfare over a period of time

• Clearness committee (assemble some people to help you understand the source and nature of your reaction to the conflict)

• Clearings (techniques for facing the other person and each expressing what needs to be said. Four Quarter is one method)

• Mediation

• Public airing of grievances (bring it to community)

Stage 3: Wildfire

The conflict is out of control and affecting more people that just the original two parties

• Dispute Resolution Team (ad hoc group of community members and outsiders with relevant skills who help the two people in conflect to work it through)

• Paid professional counseling

Recovery

If an interpersonal conflict has created a rupture, we aim to restore harmony and respect

• Restorative circle

• Rituals of reconciliation

Agreements Violation Policy

This document contains many agreements about how we will live together. In our first 25 years, we discovered that the community’s continued existence could be put at risk by members who violated these agreements. In order to protect the community and provide clear steps for responding to future situations, we agree to the following procedure for dealing with serious breaches of our stated norms and agreements.

The goals are:

• Treat members with respect

• Enforce agreements

• Restoration of community harmony

Stage 1: Norm-breaking observed

Trigger

One member notices pattern of norm-breaking

Actors

Norm-breaker and observer

Goal

Bring awareness of norm-breaking to member

Action

Meet one-on-one

Stage 2: Impact exploration

Trigger

No observable improvement in behavior

Actors

Whole community

Goal

Articulate impact on whole community

Action

At community meeting, explore who is being affected (breadth), and how much impact it is having (depth)

Stage 3: Small group support

Trigger

Community meeting decides the issue needs to be addressed

Actors

Council of Support: Norm-breaker, initial observer, one person chosen by norm-breaker, one person chosen by observer

Goal

Seek resolution in supportive setting

Action

Meet to explore the issue:  feelings, needs, barriers to following norms.

Stage 4: Contract

Trigger

Failure to attend Stage 3 meeting, or no behavioral change since Stage 3 meeting

Actors

Whole community

Goal

Define the changes in behavior required, and see whether the member can make them within the community dynamic

Action

Create a X-month contract with the member that outlines how he or she will make the necessary changes, with monthly status updates at community meetings. The purpose of the contract and meetings is not to punish or humiliate the member, but to encourage and support their making the changes.

Stage 5: Suspension

Trigger

Failure to honor the contract, or refusal to accept the contract

Actors

Whole community

Goal

Protect the community from the norm-breaking, and place the norm-breaker outside of the community dynamic

Action

Norm-breaker is suspended from living in the community for a set period,  1-3 months.

Stage 6: Expulsion

Trigger

Suspended member applies to return, but has not changed their behavior

Actors

Whole community

Goal

Protect the community

Action

Norm-breaker is expelled.