Interpersonal Conflicts Policy

Conflicts are normal in a healthy community. Common causes are different personality types, different styles of dealing with conflicts, and impressions left upon us by the way our family of origin dealt with conflict.

The following framework provides some guidance on how we deal with the inevitable conflicts.

Prevention: Be clear on what our community expectations are for good communication, and ensure there are regular opportunities to air grievances before they escalate.

• Candidate screening for good communication skills
• Induction of new members into our Culture of Engagement at community retreats
• Regular check-ins provide an opportunity to express difficulties
• Written agreements
  • No triangulation/gossip (don’t find a third party to enlist to “your side” of a conflict
  • Direct communication (talk directly to the person you are in conflict with, or use one of the other methods listed below

• Learn about each other’s personalities and their traits through personality type exercises like Myers-Briggs and Enneagram
• Sharing our family biographies, with the way we learned to deal with conflict

Preparation: increase our skill at communication by learning and practicing good communication skills

• Non Violent Communications (NVC)
• Co-Counseling or Re-evaluation counseling
• Sharing spirituality
• Listening circle

Response: when interpersonal conflicts present themselves, we have a selection of tools for airing and resolving them. We have divided this into 3 stages, but they tools can be used in different stages.

Stage 1: Grass Fire. A hot conflict that arises quickly and is dealt with quickly, then is resolved.

• One-on-one (direct discussion beweeen the two people involved)
• Community discussion and agreement (bring the issue to a community meeting)
• Mediation (ask a third person to mediate direct discussion with the other person)

Stage 2: Smouldering. Low-intensity warfare over a period of time

• Clearness committee (assemble some people to help  you understand the source and nature of your reaction to the conflict)
• Clearings (techniques for facing the other person and each expressing what needs to be said. Four Quarter is one method)
• Mediation
• Public airing of grievances (bring it to community)

Stage 3: Wildfire. The conflict is out of control and affecting more people that just the original two parties

• Dispute Resolution Team (ad hoc group of community members and outsiders with relevant skills who help the two people in conflect to work it through)
• Paid professional counseling

Recovery: if an interpersonal conflict has create a rupture, we aim to restore harmony and respect through:

• Restorative circle
• Rituals of reconciliation

Agreements Violation Policy

The policy above is for resolving interpersonal conflicts – when two people don’t get along with each other. There is another type of conflict that is not between individuals.

Our community covenant contains many agreements about how we will live together. In our first 25 years, we discovered that the community’s continued existence could be put at risk by members who violated these agreements. In order to protect the community and provide clear steps for responding to future situations, we agree to the following procedure for dealing with serious breaches of our stated norms and agreements.

The goals are:

1. Treat members with respect
2. Enforce agreements
3. Restoration of community harmony

Stage	Trigger	Actors	Goal	Action
Norm-breaking observed	One member notices pattern of norm-breaking	Norm-breaker and observer	Bring awareness of norm-breaking to member	Meet one-on-one
Impact exploration	No observable improvement in behavior	Whole community	Articulate impact on whole community	At community meeting, explore who is being affected (breadth), and how much impact it is having (depth)
Small group support	Community meeting decides the issue needs to be addressed	Council of Support: Norm-breaker, initial observer, one person chosen by norm-breaker, one person chosen by observer	Seek resolution in supportive setting	Meet to explore the issue: feelings, needs, barriers to following norms.
Contract	Failure to attend Stage 3 meeting, or no behavioral change since Stage 3 meeting.	Whole community	Define the changes in behavior required, and see whether the member can make them within the community dynamic	Create a X-month contract with the member that outlines how he or she will make the necessary changes, with monthly status updates at community meetings. The purpose of the contract and meetings is not to punish or humiliate the member, but to encourage and support their making the changes.
Suspension	Failure to honor the contract, or refusal to accept the contract	Whole community	Protect the community from the norm-breaking, and place the norm-breaker outside of the community dynamic	Norm-breaker is suspended from living in the community for a set period, 1-3 months.
Expulsion	Suspended member applies to return, but has not changed their behavior	Whole community	Protect the community	Norm-breaker is expelled.